i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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