last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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