hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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