I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
At least life still wants to fuck me.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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