My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Randomize
