you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
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