Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
