im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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