so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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