Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Randomize
