when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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