I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize