I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Randomize