this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
