you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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