Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
