My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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