After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
