Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
