just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
