We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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