how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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