well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
