fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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