Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
