The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
