What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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