i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
