I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
