sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
