decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
