Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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