My sheets look like a crime scene.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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