I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Let's paint friendship bongs
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
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