My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
