Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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