someone threw a dead crab at me
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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