I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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