i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
