3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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