loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
i am craving dick and cupcakes
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
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