ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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