she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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