Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize