How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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