Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
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