your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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