I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I just blew my weed a kiss
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
You don't make any sense
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