apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize