im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
