As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
