clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize