exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
