If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
nutella sex= disaster
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
then he tried to convert me to islam
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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