I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
