I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize