The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
