halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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