im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize