She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
So here I am, sexting at work.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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