you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
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