I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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