The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
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