That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
