I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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