I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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