I'm eating all of the evidence.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize