There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize