and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize
