I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I just found puke in my bra..
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
