i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
