My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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